Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Ballroom Dancing's Shortage of Alpha Males

I have been teaching dance class for what will soon be 14 years. It is hard to recollect every aspect of when I first started teaching, but I could swear I noticed a trend occurring from way back in 1998 to today. Since I wasn't sure and wanted to confirm it, I asked Natasha (who took my class 7 years ago) a simple question;

"Have you noticed how men are just not leading anymore?"

And she said,

"Yes. There's a definite trend."

"So in your short 7 years of dancing, you have noticed it?"

"Yes."

So now that I know I'm not imagining it, permit me to speak of it.

Understand how ballroom or any partner dancing works is that one person MUST lead the other person MUST follow. The dynamics of this is not a "superior" leading an "inferior" person around, it is more akin to electricity. In order to have a current, you need a positive and a negative. Following is just as important as leading otherwise the dance just plain doesn't work. It may be more analogous to driving. Only ONE person can drive the car at any given time. If you have two people driving, the car will invariably crash and if you have no one driving it will crash a lot quicker. This relationship between the lead and follow and thus the man and the woman MUST be instilled before any kind of turns, throws, dips etc, can be taught.

Now traditionally it has been the women who have difficulty in playing their role of the follower and try to lead. And this has nothing to do with feminism or women wanting to take on more of a role in society. It boils down to women simply wanting to "help," but failing to realize that "helping" is antithetical to following. And by "helping" you are by default leading. And once I explain this to the women, they usually get it and start following real well.

It is the men I'm seeing deteriorating in their role of leading.

Be it the fact they plain don't want to be there, they're tired or even their wife won't let them lead, the trend I'm noticing goes beyond that. There is a noticeable decline in men's ability to take command on the dance floor and lead. And I cannot help but wonder if it isn't the sociological and economic environment that has led to it.

I see more and more men, who just plain have that defeated, domesticated look on their faces. I provide all the instruction, explain step by step what has to happen, and above all else explain to them they MUST pull their wife this way, send her out that way, they MUST LEAD. But when the time comes and the music plays, instead of a Steve McQueen like fashion, they look sheepishly at their wife or girlfriend and barely produce a slight tug on the girl's hand, all the while looking at her for constant confirmation and approval they're doing it correctly.

I can break it down, again and again. Repeat and cheer them on to be like John Wayne, and instead of leading, the men "suggest" the women turn a certain way, or ask their permission to turn them a certain way.

The women of course get frustrated (not only because viscerally women like strong men), but because the dance is structurally failing. They don't know where to turn. The lead is so limp and the man so unsure, the women is forced to take over and turn herself.

And then the whole system collapses. Instead of listening to me or the beat of the music, the rookie dancers try to figure it out themselves. The women (who had NOT been trained in leading) start lecturing the men (erroneously most of the time) as to what they're doing wrong. The men, obviously predisposed to listen to their wife or girlfriend over me (who technically is a complete stranger) miss out on my vital commands and instruction as to what is wrong and how to fix it. And when we try again, it doesn't work because it is now a joint effort when the men and women both amorphously lead and follow, mixing their roles. It's not until we have three or four lessons under our belt do the men get comfortable enough with the idea of leading (or the binary nature of the lead/follow and how the two do not intertwine), is there progress. But it didn't take 3-4 lessons in the past.

Further convincing me of my theory or observation is real, is that every once in a while I will have a guy show up with a confident little smirk. The age doesn't matter. I've seen that face in 18 year old kids and 65 year old retirees. One eye brow is always higher than the other. He has a Captain Jack Sparrow like sinful smirk on his face, his girlfriend/wife is always smiling ear to ear and without fail I will catch him pinching his significant other's derriere.

He is the alpha male and I have no problems ever getting them to understand the concept of leading.

Even if they're not on beat, they don't care.

THEY PULL.

THEY PUSH.

THEY LEAD.

There's the right way, the wrong way, and if they can't do either, they'll do the Max Power's way.

It may be a bit forceful, it may be a bit too fast, it may not be on beat, but there is no ambiguity to the ladies as to what these men want them to do. Additionally, all the women smile when they're dancing with these men. Why?

Not only because it is clear what the guy wants his partner to do during the dance, the dirty little secret is that women like strong men.

Of course, their numbers are dwindling. And in 14 years no less.

Now I could go on about the sissification of America and could postulate theories about economics and how the economy may be depressing men and lord knows whatever other sociological/psychological theories, but has anybody else out there in the ballroom community noticed this? I'm being serious, I'd like to be able to figure out the problem so I can solve it.

13 comments:

Chuck said...

I'd love to take dance lessons, but they are not offered at a convenient time for working professionals. I have billable hour requirements and anyone leaving before 7 is labeled a slacker. Most classes start at 5 or 6. Maybe this is why the Alpha's are disappearing. They are too busy generating wealth.

Bob said...

Back when I was a 13 or 14, my parents had the foresight to sign me up for a ballroom/swing class. Part of raising me to be a gentleman (an effort which would have been successful, had I heard of Game at a younger age).

The place ran a starter class for young men, designed to show them the moves and teach them to lead with a couple of female instructors; only after these lessons did they move us into the mixed class. I think they had the right idea. Getting a bunch of teenagers to ballroom dance without calling each other gay was a lot easier when there were no girls our own age around.

Either way, when we got to the mixed classes, about half of us had the indecision driven out of us by a belief in our own competence. It's easier to lead when you think you know what you're doing (whether you do or not). The other half reverted right back, unfortunately.

I didn't keep in touch with any of the other guys to know for sure, but I can say that leading outside the dance floor did not occur to me until much later.

This was about ten or eleven years back, so within the time frame of your instruction career. Point is, few of us young men showed up back then prepared to lead. We had to be taught to lead. Maybe the instructors had noticed the same thing you did, and created a solution.

Looking back, though, the only reason they were able to get a bunch of dudes in the same room to learn to dance was by parental fiat. It'd be tough to get guys in thier 20's to do the same.

CSPB said...

Hey, Cappy Cap,

Maybe you should apply for a grant. I bet what you teach would do wonders compared to the other tripe that is peddled.
http://theprivateman.wordpress.com/2011/03/28/uncle-sam-wants-you-to-save-your-marriage/

I have a theory that a married couple that can dance together fluidly is more likely to have a good marriage and not get divorced. Wow, more kids could grow up under the same roof as their fathers.

I know, I know, this is just a fantasy of mine.

Anonymous said...

Cappy Cap,

I told you several weeks ago I started dance lessons, due in large part to your blog. Let me say - I am loving it... Rumba, Hustle, Swing, and Salsa (I switched to Salsa from Shag - Shag is too damn hard).

Regardless, I made it very clear to my instructor I wanted to be a good lead. At every opportunity they place me with a newbie lady during my lessons - and I do well. Put a little Marine Corps snap into a cross body lead and wa-la!!!!

Thanks again Cap - I might end up building an addition onto my instructors house (at 45, I am a slow learner), but I WILL learn to dance well, and be a great lead!

Anonymous said...

As a male ball room dancer (a not very good one, I assure you) all I can say is you may be right, but my experience is that you basically have to explain at length to new to dance women to NOT have "noodle arms" and give enough resistance that I can lead.

Combine that with the newbie guy trying to
A. Lead
B. Figure out his own feet
C. Follow the tune
C. Try to figure out when it's his fault that he's not leading, and her's that she's ignoring his lead

In an environment that he probably got unwillingly dragged to and feeling deeply unsure of himself and wildly incompetent...

Dayhiker said...

I've been taking dance lessons for a few years and it took a while to get the idea of leading on the dance floor. It's been useful for getting my wife re-attracted to me and to realize I need to take the idea of leading on the dance floor off it.

Bike Bubba said...

Amen, Cap'n. My wife and I took C&W dance lessons prior to getting married, and I couldn't get over (still can't) how good the leadership is.

Man gently draws woman towards him and guides her. Woman applies gentle pressure away to keep man at proper distance--an issue of boundaries. Man sets tone, pace, and style of dance.

It can go awry at times--witness many people turning the tango into foreplay while wearing shoes--but yes, I'd agree that all in all, dance can really teach a guy how to lead.

Rosalys said...

Years ago, at an English Country Dance ball, there was a fellow who was nothing to look at - coke bottle glasses, a rumpled and unkempt demeanor, goofy smile - but he knew how to dance and how to lead! It was so much fun dancing with HIM in particular and given a few more dances I could have fallen in love! No real woman wants a wimp!

Anonymous said...

I am not a man. However, I have had to pinch hit as a guy in more than one dance class.

Now, you need to know that I am nowhere near alpha male. I am 5'4" and at my heaviest (when I was 9 months pregnant) I weighed 130 pounds. I am nowhere close to that now.

I tell you this because as a female who has been led by strong and weak leads, and who has learned the "guy" part, I know what needs to be done to lead a girl in a turn, etc.

On numerous occasions, as I lead a girl through a turn or spin or minor dip, she will turn to me surprised and say, "Wow, that's how it's supposed to feel?" and then proceed to tell me I need to show her husband/boyfriend/man what to do. The problem is, they have already been shown what to do.

In addition, if I get to go to classes and be the girl, I will tell men, "You need to be more forceful, I need to know where you want me to go." But, the next time we rotate, nothing has changed and I'm still left guessing.

I don't have the answer. I wish I did. But, I do agree with Rosalys. No real woman wants a wimp. I want a man who will lead me on the dance floor so that I know exactly what he wants. . . symbolic? Maybe.

NMH said...

Been BR dancing for four years. One of the women told me that the female teachers are better leads than the average male non-teacher dancer is.

This woman happens to be entitled, stuck-up, and self absorbed.

Im not so sure if its the men that are becoming worse leads or that the ladies over time are more likely to complain, and to be rude to men and snap at them for one mistake, and then men lose some confidence.

I bet if women were more like ladies on the dance floor you would have more men being confident leads.

Tom said...

Hi Cap,

I'm not a dancer and have never really had the motivation to pursue it.

However, your wussification theory holds water outside of the dance world as well.

I'm an engineer that works for a mining company. Once upon a time, when management came out with crap ideas people would tell them.

Now I find I'm the only one who questions decisions and asks "what are you trying to accomplish" and so on.

People have become so much more risk averse. I don't particularly know why. Maybe they have so much now they don't want to risk it. Maybe they're in so much debt they can't risk annoying the boss.

And if you're risk averse, you know what you won't do. You won't lead. Because if you lead and it goes wrong, where does the buck stop?

Anyway, my two cents worth. (NB. I'm from Australia, but wussification seems a western thing. That and idiotic devotion to sport teams.)

Strong Man said...

Fascinating! I love the ballroom dance analogy. It's interesting and not at all surprising to hear of your experience over many years teaching married bouples.

My most recent post imagines what it would be like in a truly "equal partners" dance class.

With you, I've also promoted Ballroom Dancing as a good marriage builder, and an analogy for the marriage relationship.

Male Ballroom Dancer said...

I am 6 months into ballroom dancing. I actually have a couple of competitions under my belt, but I definitely still consider myself a newbie. I am having a considerably hard time leading. I do think that us husbands have learned to appease our wives and let them be "alpha" in the household regardless of whether she works out of the home or not. I have found that I'm a better lead with women that are not my wife because that dynamic hasn't been set. That said, I think, as men, we inherently second-guess ourselves and, if something goes wrong, it's obviously our fault. I will say that you are absolutely right with a strong lead. My wife just brims from head to toe when she gets her hands on a strong lead. It half gives me something to work towards and half makes me discouraged. So is the process, I guess. :)