Just a short one and then I have to go.
There is an "unnamed girl" in my house.
My house is in part heated by a wood burning stove because I'm eclectic.
Instead of breaking out the chain saw to cut the larger pieces of wood into sizes that will fit into the stove, I use a hand axe to cut some of the pieces I have on hand if I just need a piece or two.
I get myself a blister because of the repetitive motion of the axe on the palm of my hand.
Like all men I bite the dead skin of the blister to pop it (I do apologize for the crassness of that statement).
Like all bachelors, I don't have luxuries such as "neosporin" or "rubbing alcohol" and so I reach for the open bottle of Rumpleminze.
I apply some Rumpleminze to my opened blister and it stings like there's no tomorrow.
Not only do I have to suffer the insane stinging pain, I then get to suffer the lecturing tone of "unnamed girl" who berates me for applying Rumpleminze to my wound.
I then have to worry about the sugar in the Rumpleminze creating a syrupy ooze on my hand which prevents the application of a bandaid (which is also a luxury in Bachelor World, but thankfully Unnamed Girl has one).
Of course, I can't get the bandaid for free.
No, I have to suffer a sermon about the evils of using Rumpleminze as a disinfectant.
So I wash the sugar that is now crystallizing on my hand.
The water dries.
And the bandaid is applied.
And yet,
Just yet,
SOMEHOW the world has not ceased to exist.
The world has continued to rotate.
And I'm pretty sure the sun will rise tomorrow.
Despite me thumbing my nose at the gods with my use of Rumpleminze as a Disinfectant.
12 comments:
Goddamn that's manly. Why am I getting the same treatment for putting cheese on my already cheesey pizza. #meatybreastedzilch
Isn't Rumpleminze rather expensive? It seems like she should be lecturing you on that fact.
It is time we compiled a book.
The Bachelor's Guide to Medicine
Bachelor Tip # 1:
Alcohol is a disinfectant. (rumplemenz included)
Bachelor Tip # 2:
Duct tape is a Band Aid. Not only for repairing broken items, but also for skin wounds.
Bachelor Tip # 3:
Super Glue is far cheaper than going to the Hospital to get stitches.
Bachelor Tip # 4:
Rumpelmenz is funner to use than cough syrup when sick.
Bachelor Tip # 5:
Hospitals are no fun now that the Nurses don't dress in the sexy outfits anymore.
...wonder how many other Tips we can up with??
If you drank overproof rum like a good Newfie you could have used that and it wouldn't have left a sugary residue. And it wouldn't have that disgusting mint flavour. Rumpelminze bah!
Oh Cap, Rumpleminze?
Whiskey or vodka as a disinfectant, sure, but Rumpleminze?!?
Isn't rubbing alcohol cheaper than Rumpleminze? Sounds like a waste of booze, not a lack of luxury. Right tool for the job, and all.
And I know that its just a little boo boo, but you should have a 1st aid kit on hand in case of serious injury.
I vote for strong alcohol. It can be used for outer (a bit painful) and inner disinfection (pleasant).
And now, the rest of the story...
Yes, the Captain was being very manly cutting wood. But, he has failed to mention a very key point.
Unnamed girl, in addition to having a stock of band-aids in her purse for occasions such as these, also has portable Neosporin in her car.
This girl, out of concern for our Captain's well-being, offered to go get said Neosporin.
Pfa - the Captain poo-pooed that idea saying he didn't need any. "But, could you go up and get me some Rumpleminze?"
So, girl goes upstairs and pours the Cappy a nice shot of "medicine" thinking he just wanted to relax.
(Now, please know that the Rumpleminze and the Neosporin are both within 100 feet of each other...not a great distance. And, she gladly would have gotten the proper first aid which would not have resulted in sugar crystals forming on the wound.)
Back to our story - The Captain is served his beverage and within seconds is making all kinds of noises about stinging. Girl looks at Cappy and realizes he has poured Rumpleminze on it - to disinfect. Ugh!
Doesn't he know she could have been 1/2 in the bag drinking the amount he just wasted on his hand?
Well, I was going to give my opinion but the girl with no name beat me to it, proving that she's capable of defending herself.
As a soldier, I am no stranger to blisters. A doctor will tell you to leave it alone and keep it clean, but most doctors don't have to keep using those apendages.
The proper way to deal with a blister is to clean the area with an alcohol pad, clean a needle with an alcohol pad, drain the blister, apply a disinfectant such as alcohol, iodine, or tincture of benzoine, then cover it with a clean bandage.
I'm not a bachelor any more, but as a soldier I had and have a well-devloped first aid kit. I keep a trauma kit in my car just in case I come across a car accident or something.
You can go to your local dollar store and get a box of alcohol pads, needles, and Hello Kitty band aids for about $3. You an buy a cheap first aid kit for about that much, and even that won't have things you need for a REAL emergency.
That will also cost you far less than the Rumple Minze you poured on your wound and the emergency room bill when you get a flaming infection.
Yeah, all's well that ends well, right Cap? You have to consider the possibility of an adverse outcome, not merely the absence of one resulting from unwise and totally unnecessary decisions.
And what a waste of good alcohol!
I think you owe The Girl with No Name an apology. Did you have so much Rumple Minze that you forgot how to be a gentleman? Besides, think how much more fun it would have been to let her care for your wound wearing a naughty nurse outfit.
What? Did No Name Girl put you up to this???
My lieutenants! Betraying me!
Let's see...
1) Doesn't use ax regularly, so gets blisters
2) Uses an axe to do a saw's job.
3) Uses Rumpleminze to do the job of neosporin or Brave Soldier (look it up...it works)
4) Doesn't have Hello Kitty bandaids in the house - which are a better conversation starter with women than a golden retriever
5) Gives grief to the woman who brings him booze and exhibits sympathy despite exhibits 1 & 2, which is good gaming unless unnamed woman reads this blog.
I reject the notion that a bachelor should not have a saw or first aid equipment handy. Specificially, no man ever turns down an opportunity to buy another good tool, and, a manly man relishes doing things that reasonably and foreseeably result in blood being shed, therefore a smart manly man plans ahead to handle the bloodshed properly, preferably in ways involving the purchase of new gear - just as sailing warships of the line kept buckets of sand handy to deal with the gouts of blood splattered on the deck from wounds caused by cannon-splintered wood. (Yes, wood, your old nemesis).
A timeless axiom of manliness springs to mind here: If you are going to be stupid, you had better be tough.
Anonymous,
Yes, Unnamed woman does read this blog and despite #s 1 and 2 is still sympathetic to the plight of the Captain...for some reason.
Perhaps it is just my compassionate nature...or the fact that I'm the one who has the Captain's saw and therefore he can't use it and now I feel guilt.
Nick,
Thanks for backing me. I owe you one! ;)
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